The ‘Middle Wife’ – A Hilarious Birth Story from a 2nd Grader
I’ve been a teacher for about fifteen years, and while I have two kids of my own, the most unforgettable birth story I’ve ever heard came straight from my second-grade classroom.
Like most kids, I loved show-and-tell when I was younger, so I make sure to include it in my classroom. It helps students build confidence, and usually, they bring in things like pet turtles, model airplanes, or pictures of their latest fishing trip. I never set any rules—if they can carry it in and talk about it, they’re welcome to share.
But one particular day, show-and-tell took an unexpected turn.
A bright and outgoing little girl named Erica stepped up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. Holding up a picture of a newborn, she announced proudly, “This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.”
The class listened in amazement as she began:
“First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love. Then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke started growing in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.”
At this point, I was struggling to keep a straight face, wishing I had my camcorder.
Erica continued, “Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom started going, ‘Oh, oh, oh, oh!’” She placed a hand on her back, groaned dramatically, and waddled around the classroom doing an exaggerated duck walk.
“My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on her car like the Domino’s man.”
The class was completely captivated. Erica went on to explain, with full theatrical gestures:
“They got my Mom to lie down like this—” (she leaned back against the wall) “—and then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept inside in case he got thirsty, and it just exploded all over the bed! Like psssshhhheew!”
At this point, Erica spread her legs and used her hands to mimic water gushing out. It was too much!
“Then the middle wife started saying, ‘Push, push!’ and ‘Breathe, breathe!’ They started counting but never even got past ten.
Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother! He was covered in yucky stuff, and they all said it was from Mom’s play-center—so there must be a lot of toys in there.
When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place!”
With that, Erica took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat, while I—along with the rest of the class—applauded wildly.
From that day on, I’ve made sure to bring my camcorder to every show-and-tell session… just in case another ‘Middle Wife’ moment comes along!